It begins with messages.
Then shared routines.
Then deeper confessions: the kind you haven’t told anyone else.
You haven’t met in person.
Maybe you don’t even know their full story.
And still—you feel connected.
Emotionally tethered.
Intimate.
And somewhere along the way, a question forms:
Are we… committed?
In Love Online: Emotions on the Internet, philosopher Aaron Ben-Ze’ev explores a central paradox of modern love: how intimacy formed through screens can lead to a sense of commitment—real, emotional, and binding—even when physical closeness is absent.
Because online love is not pretend.
And when intimacy deepens, it often begins to make real demands.
1. What Does Intimacy Mean Without Touch?
Intimacy, online, is not built on physical presence but emotional closeness:
- The way they remember what you said last week
- The shared vulnerability at 2 a.m.
- The daily messages that become your new ritual
- The space they hold when you’re hurting
You feel known. Chosen.
And that feeling builds the desire to protect what you’ve found.
Ben-Ze’ev reminds us: intimacy isn’t about proximity—it’s about emotional availability.
And where intimacy lives, commitment often follows.
2. How Commitment Emerges Digitally
Online commitment doesn’t begin with a grand gesture. It begins with patterns:
- Consistent emotional presence
- The unspoken sense that you’re emotionally exclusive
- Prioritizing one another over digital distractions
- Talking about the future—even in fragments
You may not have used the word “relationship.”
But your actions say: You matter. I’m here. I’m not leaving this lightly.
And that is the core of commitment—whether or not it’s wrapped in a label.
3. The Confusion Between Closeness and Claiming
Here’s the tension:
You feel deeply connected.
But they haven’t “committed.”
Or maybe you haven’t.
But you still feel hurt when they seem distant.
Jealous when they give attention elsewhere.
Anxious when their rhythm shifts.
This is the unspoken contract of online intimacy:
We may not be official, but we feel claimed.
Ben-Ze’ev calls this emotional commitment—a powerful bond that forms before clear agreements, sometimes before either person is ready to name it.
4. When One Person Feels More Committed Than the Other
Uneven online commitment can be emotionally painful:
- You show up, and they withdraw.
- You speak honestly, and they stay vague.
- You crave direction, and they offer only presence.
If emotional intimacy isn’t matched by emotional reciprocity, the connection begins to fray.
Ben-Ze’ev encourages direct conversation:
- “Are we building something together?”
- “Do you want this to continue as something meaningful?”
- “Can we talk about where we stand?”
Because clarity protects the connection from turning into confusion.
5. The Leap from Intimacy to Commitment
Online intimacy often longs for grounding:
- A plan to meet
- A shift from “someday” to “soon”
- A decision to be emotionally exclusive—not just by feeling, but by choice
Commitment doesn’t have to mean a label.
It can simply mean: “I choose this. I’m investing in this. I want to build with you.”
And when both people say that with intention, cyberlove becomes real love—not just in feeling, but in structure.
6. What Keeps Online Commitment Alive
To stay strong, online love must be:
- Communicated clearly: Don’t guess—ask. Don’t assume—check in.
- Consistent: Show up, even in small ways.
- Grounded in trust: Be transparent, not performative.
- Willing to evolve: Move from screen to reality when it’s time.
Ben-Ze’ev notes: digital intimacy is emotionally real—but it needs structure to survive.
Final Reflection
Online intimacy is not weaker than in-person connection.
It’s often more vulnerable, more intense, more immediate.
But intensity without intention can lead to heartbreak.
And intimacy without commitment can feel like hope without a home.
So if you feel close—ask for clarity.
If you feel devoted—say it.
And if you want more—build toward it, not just around it.
Because love doesn’t need bodies to begin.
But it does need honesty to grow.
And commitment is what turns longing into love you can lean on.