You wait for their message.
You reread their words.
You tell yourself, They’re just busy. They care… right?
But days pass. Conversations grow shallow. Promises go vague.
And slowly, a quiet truth begins to echo inside you:
Love isn’t about what someone says—it’s about what they show up for.
In the world of online connection, where messages are easy and attention is everywhere, availability and effort are the deepest indicators of care.
In Love Online: Emotions on the Internet, philosopher Aaron Ben-Ze’ev reminds us that emotional intimacy doesn’t depend on proximity—but on presence.
And presence is made real through consistency, attention, and intentional effort.
Let’s explore how availability and effort reveal the truth of love, especially when distance and digital silence blur the lines.
1. Words Are Easy. Availability Is Commitment.
Anyone can say:
- I miss you.
- I want you.
- You matter to me.
But true availability means:
- They make time, not just excuses.
- They initiate—not just respond.
- They’re emotionally reachable—not just sporadically online.
Ben-Ze’ev teaches that emotional availability is the foundation of digital intimacy.
Without it, all the beautiful words collapse into emptiness.
2. Effort Is the Real Expression of Feeling
In online love, effort looks like:
- Thoughtful messages
- Meaningful check-ins
- Remembering small details
- Planning moments to talk, not just reacting when it’s convenient
- Apologizing when they drop the thread—and picking it back up with care
Effort is not about grand gestures.
It’s about quiet consistency.
It’s the emotional labor of showing someone:
“You matter enough for me to pause my world and step into yours.”
3. Why We Accept Less Than We Deserve
Sometimes, we confuse occasional intensity for love.
- A powerful message every now and then
- A beautiful call after long silences
- A rush of passion that fades just as fast
We hold onto those flashes, hoping they’ll return.
But Ben-Ze’ev reminds us: love is not measured in moments—it’s measured in maintenance.
If someone isn’t available to build something with you, they may not be ready for the kind of love you seek.
4. The Pain of Inconsistency
Few things hurt more in online relationships than emotional whiplash:
- They’re there, then gone.
- They talk deeply, then disappear.
- They say they care, but don’t follow through.
This creates emotional confusion:
Do they like me? Did I do something wrong? Is this my fault?
No.
Inconsistent availability often reflects their life, their limits, or their emotional unavailability—not your worth.
Ben-Ze’ev encourages us to see through charm into pattern.
What they do consistently is who they are to you.
5. Mutual Availability Builds Emotional Safety
Love cannot grow where only one person shows up.
It must be built by two people who say:
- “I’m here.”
- “I care enough to reach for you.”
- “You’re not just an option—I’m making space for you.”
When effort is mutual, love becomes soft, grounding, steady.
It stops being a question, and starts being a shelter.
6. What to Do When Effort Fades
If someone stops showing up:
- Don’t chase. Observe.
- Don’t beg. Reflect.
- Don’t make excuses for what is already clear.
You are not too much for the right person.
You are not asking for too much when you ask for presence.
Ben-Ze’ev reminds us: love without effort is only a feeling.
But feelings without action are fleeting.
Final Reflection
In digital love, availability and effort are the clearest truths.
Not emojis.
Not longing.
Not even love letters typed late into the night.
What matters is this:
Do they come back?
Do they make time?
Do they move toward you—not just when it’s easy, but when it’s needed?
If yes—hold them close.
If no—let yourself go where love doesn’t have to be earned in absence.
Because in the end, love is not proven by how much we want someone.
It’s revealed by how much they choose to stay.