They say all the right things.
“We’re exclusive.”
“I’m not like the others.”
“You’re the only one.”
And maybe, you believe them—
Because they look you in the eye, sleep in your bed, and promise forever.
But behind the screens, in late-night messages, at quiet hotel doors—
something else is happening.
This is the brutal dissonance of proclaimed monogamy with clandestine adultery:
A love that speaks of loyalty while secretly betraying it.
A relationship that wears the mask of commitment—while feeding desire elsewhere.
In Love Online: Emotions on the Internet, philosopher Aaron Ben-Ze’ev explores the moral and emotional contradiction of hidden affairs. He reminds us that betrayal is not just an act—it’s a strategy of concealment, woven through words, silences, and emotional performance.
Let’s look deeper into what this pattern means—for both the one who hides, and the one who’s kept in the dark.
1. What Is Proclaimed Monogamy?
It’s not just a label.
It’s a promise of:
- Emotional and sexual exclusivity
- Mutual trust and transparency
- Shared values of loyalty
- A life built on the assumption: We choose only each other
Monogamy, in this context, is not just about physical boundaries—it’s about emotional agreement.
Ben-Ze’ev reminds us: commitment isn’t just what you say—it’s where you place your attention, energy, and presence.
2. What Makes Clandestine Adultery So Morally Complex?
It’s not just the cheating.
It’s the double life:
- The lies told to cover gaps
- The manipulation of perception
- The emotional gaslighting
- The compartmentalization of conscience
The person cheating may still say “I love you”—and even mean it.
But they’re loving through distortion, not through truth.
And the person being cheated on?
They’re loving without knowing what they’re inside of.
This is emotional robbery: stealing someone’s reality while asking them to keep investing in it.
3. Why People Stay Monogamous in Name Only
Not all cheaters want to leave.
Some cheat precisely because they want to stay.
Ben-Ze’ev notes several common motivations:
- Fear of loss: They want the stability of one partner and the thrill of another
- Avoidance of emotional discomfort: Rather than ask for change, they seek escape
- Ego and validation: They enjoy the feeling of being wanted in multiple places
- Moral dissonance: They claim to believe in monogamy, but fail to practice it
In all cases, the tension isn’t just between people.
It’s between the image of who they want to be and the reality of what they’re doing.
4. The Cost of the Lie
For the person being deceived:
- Trust erodes slowly
- Emotional confusion becomes normal
- They doubt their instincts
- They love deeply—and get betrayal in return
For the person cheating:
- Guilt accumulates
- Emotional intimacy becomes divided
- The burden of lying increases
- Self-respect quietly degrades
Clandestine adultery doesn’t just risk the relationship.
It corrodes the moral fabric of the self.
Ben-Ze’ev warns: deception costs more than honesty ever will.
5. The Psychological Damage of Dual Reality
Loving someone while hiding betrayal requires emotional compartmentalization.
But over time, this splits the self:
- One part performs love
- Another part violates it
- And eventually, these selves collide—internally or externally
Ben-Ze’ev suggests that lasting relationships must include internal coherence.
When the private and public truths no longer match, collapse becomes inevitable.
6. Is There a Way Back From This?
It depends.
Redemption begins with:
- Radical honesty—not selective confession
- Emotional accountability—not blame-shifting
- Mutual re-evaluation—can this relationship be rebuilt on truth?
- Self-inquiry—was the monogamy ever real, or just convenient?
Ben-Ze’ev does not prescribe a single outcome.
But he insists: ethical love requires integrity—even when it’s hard, even when it hurts.
Final Reflection
Proclaimed monogamy with secret adultery is not just betrayal.
It is betrayal that masquerades as commitment.
And that’s what makes it so devastating.
Because the deepest damage isn’t sex.
It’s the loss of shared truth.
It’s the feeling of being in love alone, while the other person lives two emotional lives.
So if you’re living this paradox—on either side—pause.
Ask yourself:
- Is the story I’m living aligned with what I claim to value?
- Am I loving with presence—or performing love while feeding betrayal?
- What would it mean to return to truth, no matter the cost?
Because real love doesn’t mean never falling.
It means not lying about where you’ve landed—
and choosing to rise again, without the mask.