In love, especially online love, not everything leads to a future.
Not every message leads to a meeting.
Not every connection becomes a relationship.
And still—we show up. We write back. We wait. We feel.
Why?
Because some things are not done to get somewhere—they are done because they matter while they’re happening.
In Love Online: Emotions on the Internet, philosopher Aaron Ben-Ze’ev draws a crucial distinction: between extrinsically valuable activities (done for a result) and intrinsically valuable activities (done for their own sake). This idea offers a powerful lens for understanding our emotional lives in the digital world.
1. What Is an Extrinsically Valuable Activity?
These are things we do in order to get something else:
- Going to work to earn money
- Studying to pass an exam
- Exercising to lose weight
- Sending messages hoping it leads to a real-world relationship
In this mindset, the outcome is what makes the activity worthwhile.
And if the outcome doesn’t happen? We feel disappointed. Cheated. Like it was a waste of time.
2. What Is an Intrinsically Valuable Activity?
These are the things we do because they matter in the moment:
- Laughing with someone at 2 a.m.
- Writing a message not to get a reply, but to express something true
- Feeling butterflies just because someone made you feel alive again
- Listening deeply, not because it will get you love, but because it is love
Ben-Ze’ev reminds us: some moments are the reward.
They don’t lead to something else.
They are the something.
3. Why This Matters in Online Love
Digital connections are often uncertain. You may never meet. You may never become a couple. You may never even know who they truly are.
If you view the entire experience as extrinsically valuable only, you’ll feel regret when it ends. You’ll say, “I wasted my time.”
But if you see the connection as intrinsically valuable—for what it gave you in the moment—you can let it go with more peace.
You can say:
- I was more alive because of it.
- I rediscovered a part of myself in those conversations.
- It mattered, even if it didn’t last.
4. Not All Love Has to Lead Somewhere
Some people come into your life:
- To wake something up
- To soften something hard
- To give you a glimpse of what’s possible again
They weren’t a step toward something else.
They were the gift.
Ben-Ze’ev would call that intrinsic emotional value—a moment or connection that asks for nothing beyond itself to be meaningful.
5. But What About Longing?
It’s still okay to want more.
To want love that lasts. Touch that follows talk. A future, not just a feeling.
Wanting extrinsic value doesn’t make you shallow. It makes you human.
The trick is to hold both:
- To appreciate what is without needing it to become more to be real
- And to hope for more, without letting unmet hopes erase the beauty of what was
Final Reflection
You sent that message.
You waited.
You cared.
You opened up.
You laughed.
You imagined.
And maybe nothing came of it.
But maybe something did.
Maybe you came of it—
a version of you that dared to feel again.
So was it useful? Maybe not in the extrinsic sense.
But was it meaningful?
Yes.
Because not every step needs to lead to somewhere.
Some steps are the destination.
Some love stories are the moment.
And that is more than enough.