“I don’t just regret the consequences—I regret the choice.”
Most of us have said we’re sorry. Most of us have felt regret. But not all regret is created equal. And not all apologies carry the same moral weight.
Often, when we hear “I’m sorry,” what follows is something like:
- “I didn’t mean for it to turn out this way.”
- “I wish things hadn’t gone so badly.”
- “This isn’t what I intended.”
These might sound sincere. And they might be. But in I Was Wrong: The Meanings of Apologies, philosopher Nick Smith invites us to look more deeply.
He introduces the idea of categorical regret—a form of remorse that does more than grieve the fallout. It regrets the very act itself.
Not just the results.
Not just the misunderstandings.
Not just the timing or tone.
But the choice. The conduct. The wrongdoing at its moral core.
What Is Categorical Regret?
Categorical regret is what we express when we say: “I now see that what I did was wrong—not just unfortunate, not just ineffective, but morally unacceptable. Even if it had turned out differently, I still should not have done it.”
This is a powerful shift.
Because most of us want to be seen as good people. When we hurt someone, we instinctively try to explain it away—to cast it as a lapse in judgment or a bad result from good intentions. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” “It just happened.” “I regret that it went that way.”
But this kind of regret is conditional. It says: “If the outcome had been different, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.”
Categorical regret says: “Even if no one had found out. Even if you had never cried. Even if it didn’t fall apart—I still shouldn’t have done what I did.”
That’s not just emotional honesty. That’s moral reckoning.
Why Conditional Regret Falls Short
Smith warns that many public and private apologies fail because they stop at conditional regret. They mourn the consequences but not the act.
Imagine a politician apologizing for corruption—not because taking bribes was wrong, but because they were caught. Or a partner apologizing for cheating—not because it violated the trust of the relationship, but because it caused pain.
This kind of regret focuses on optics, not ethics. It’s regret as damage control.
But true healing requires something deeper. It requires the one who caused harm to say: “This went against what I believe is right. And I see that now.”
The Strength Behind Categorical Regret
At first glance, categorical regret might seem like an act of moral self-condemnation. But Smith flips that assumption. He argues that owning the wrongness of our actions—even completely—is not weakness. It’s strength.
It takes courage to say:
- *“I was not the person I want to be in that moment.”
- “What I did was inexcusable, even if understandable.”
- “I take full moral responsibility, regardless of the consequences.”*
This kind of apology is not about groveling. It’s about reclaiming integrity.
What Categorical Regret Sounds Like
Let’s imagine two apologies side by side:
Conditional Regret:
“I’m sorry I hurt you. That wasn’t my intention, and I regret that things turned out this way.”
Categorical Regret:
“I’m sorry I hurt you. I see now that my decision to lie was wrong in itself—not just because it hurt you, but because it violated our values. I wish I had made a different choice from the start.”
The difference may seem subtle. But it speaks volumes.
One is focused on outcome.
The other is focused on moral meaning.
Why We Need Categorical Regret in Our Lives
When someone hurts us, we don’t just want them to wish things had gone better. We want them to wish they had chosen differently.
We want to know that they see the act itself as wrong—not just unfortunate. That they’ve come to understand, deep down, why it mattered.
Because until then, trust cannot fully rebuild. The root remains unexamined. And the fear remains that it could happen again.
Reflection Questions for Readers:
- Have you ever offered regret for consequences, but not for the actual act? What held you back from going deeper?
- Has anyone ever apologized to you in a way that showed true categorical regret? How did it change the way you received their words?
- What would it look like to say today, “I regret what I did—not just because it caused pain, but because it was wrong in itself”?
Regret as a Doorway to Transformation
At its core, categorical regret is not just about feeling bad. It’s about choosing better. It’s about aligning action with conscience. It’s about saying: “I see it now. I name it now. And I will not make peace with what I once allowed myself to do.”
That’s when regret becomes more than sorrow.
It becomes a turning point.
A reckoning.
And maybe—just maybe—a return to the person we want to be.