You meet someone—online or off—and they light something up in you.
You’re drawn to their smile, their voice, their words.
You think about them when they’re not around.
You feel desire rise before understanding even begins.
But then you pause and ask:
Do I want them because of who they are—or just how they make me feel?
Do I admire them—or only crave them?
In Love Online: Emotions on the Internet, philosopher Aaron Ben-Ze’ev invites us to explore two deeply human forces that often get entangled: attractiveness and praiseworthiness.
We often assume they go hand in hand. But in reality, you can desire someone intensely while knowing, deep down, they are not good for you—or good, period.
This post offers a gentle unpacking of these two forces—how they show up in online relationships, and why understanding the difference is essential for love that’s not just thrilling, but lasting.
1. Attractiveness: The Emotional Pull
Attractiveness is about magnetism. It’s the quality that makes you want someone.
It can be:
- Physical (a face, a voice, a body)
- Emotional (the way they listen, laugh, or challenge you)
- Intellectual (their ideas, their insight, their wit)
- Even situational (they appear during your loneliness, your boredom, your longing)
Ben-Ze’ev writes that attractiveness is about immediate impact, not long-term value. It’s often about how someone makes you feel, not who they are when the feeling fades.
2. Praiseworthiness: The Moral Core
Praiseworthiness is quieter. It’s the part of a person that earns your respect, even when you’re not in love.
It’s built on:
- Integrity
- Emotional maturity
- Kindness
- Self-awareness
- Alignment between values and behavior
It’s not just about being “good”—it’s about being consistently honorable, even when no one is watching.
Ben-Ze’ev reminds us that praiseworthiness is the foundation of trust. Without it, no amount of attraction can hold up over time.
3. The Danger of Confusing the Two
In online relationships, attractiveness often leads.
We fall for someone’s words, presence, attention—before we know how they live, how they treat others, or how they act in conflict.
And because imagination fills in the gaps, we project praiseworthiness where there is only charm.
This leads to:
- Staying in connections that feel exciting but make us anxious
- Overlooking red flags because of strong chemistry
- Justifying behavior because “they’re not usually like this”
Ben-Ze’ev warns: desire does not imply dignity.
You can want someone who doesn’t deserve your emotional trust.
4. When Both Exist: The Deepest Kind of Love
The relationships that last—online or off—are those where attraction and praiseworthiness coexist.
- You’re drawn to their presence and admire their choices.
- You want them physically and respect their mind.
- You enjoy their charm and feel safe in their character.
This kind of love isn’t always immediate. But when it appears, it brings depth, clarity, and peace.
Ben-Ze’ev writes that true intimacy grows from this duality—the fire of desire and the structure of mutual respect.
5. Questions to Ask Yourself in the Glow
Before you fall too far, ask:
- Do I admire how this person treats others, not just how they treat me?
- Would I want to be more like them?
- Would I trust them with my heart if the thrill faded?
- Am I drawn to their character—or just their energy?
These questions don’t kill the magic.
They protect it—from turning into confusion or regret.
Final Reflection
Attractiveness will always catch the eye first.
It’s natural.
It’s powerful.
And it’s not enough.
Praiseworthiness is what catches the heart—and keeps it.
So flirt. Desire. Enjoy the thrill of someone who stirs something in you.
But don’t confuse wanting someone with being safe with them.
Don’t mistake the spark for the foundation.
And don’t forget:
The most beautiful relationships aren’t just exciting. They’re worthy.