Not all apologies are created equal—and not all apologizers are treated the same.
“I’m sorry.”
Two simple words, spoken millions of times each day. In workplaces and kitchens, on stages and in private messages. We say them out of habit, out of guilt, out of love, and sometimes, out of fear.
But when we step back and look at who is apologizing, how they are received, and what is expected of them, a deeper question emerges:
How does gender shape the way apologies are given, received, and judged?
In I Was Wrong: The Meanings of Apologies, Nick Smith doesn’t shy away from this complexity. He explores the moral and cultural architecture of apology, and while gender may not always be front and center, it is the air that many apologies breathe—quietly shaping expectations, authority, and impact.
Because apologies are not offered in a vacuum. They are spoken through bodies that the world has already assigned roles to—nurturers, leaders, caretakers, commanders. And those roles affect not just who apologizes, but who is expected to.
Who Is Expected to Apologize?
Across many cultures, research and experience alike suggest a pattern:
Women apologize more often than men.
But not necessarily because they do more harm. Often, it’s because they are socialized to perceive their behavior as more disruptive, to anticipate emotional fallout, and to take responsibility for harmony.
In personal relationships, women may say “I’m sorry” as a bridge to reconnection—even when they aren’t at fault.
In professional spaces, they may apologize to soften assertions or mitigate perceived assertiveness.
Meanwhile, many men—especially in patriarchal systems—are taught to see apology as weakness, vulnerability, or loss of power. Admitting fault may clash with cultural narratives of strength, control, or pride.
This asymmetry creates a troubling dynamic:
- Women are expected to apologize for existing too loudly.
- Men are often excused from apologizing unless forced to publicly.
- And when either steps outside of these gendered expectations, they face scrutiny.
How Gender Shapes the Reception of Apologies
Not only do gender norms affect who apologizes, they also influence how apologies are received.
When women apologize, they may be dismissed:
“She’s just being emotional.”
“She always says sorry—what does it even mean?”
“She’s being overly dramatic.”
When men apologize—especially publicly—they may be praised for their courage:
“It takes a real man to admit he’s wrong.”
“Good on him for owning it.”
“He stepped up.”
This double standard subtly reinforces the idea that a man’s apology is rare and therefore more meaningful, while a woman’s is routine and less serious.
And for those who don’t fit neatly into the gender binary, apologies often come with added complexity: being misread, mistrusted, or made invisible within social scripts that don’t account for their full humanity.
The Emotional Labor of Apologizing
Smith reminds us that apology is not just about words—it’s about moral labor. It requires reflection, vulnerability, and the willingness to be held accountable.
When that labor falls disproportionately on certain gendered shoulders, it becomes a structural issue—not just a personal one.
Consider:
- How often are women expected to smooth over tension in families or friendships?
- How often are men encouraged to “move on” rather than reckon with harm?
- How are apologies weaponized to keep people “in line,” rather than to facilitate growth?
True apology is a powerful moral gesture. But when it’s filtered through systems of gendered expectation, it can become distorted—used to manage appearances, deflect blame, or reinforce hierarchies.
Rewriting the Script: Toward Equitable Apology
So what does it look like to unlearn these patterns?
It means asking ourselves:
- Am I apologizing because I truly believe I did wrong—or because I’ve been trained to preempt conflict?
- Am I avoiding an apology because I fear losing control or appearing weak?
- Am I receiving this person’s apology with the same gravity I would if their gender were different?
And perhaps more importantly:
- Am I listening for sincerity, or performing assumptions about who “should” say sorry?
When we make space for all people—regardless of gender—to apologize authentically and to be heard with dignity, we begin to restore apology to what it should be: a tool for mutual healing, not a performance of power.
Reflection Questions for Readers:
- Have you noticed a pattern in who apologizes more often in your life or workplace?
- Have you ever felt compelled to apologize for something you didn’t do—just to keep the peace?
- What would it look like to hold everyone, regardless of gender, equally accountable for the moral labor of making things right?
Apology as Moral Equality
A world of sincere apologies is not a weak world—it is a just one.
A world where men, women, and nonbinary people all feel free to say, “I was wrong,” without fear of shame or distortion, is a world of deeper trust.
Because in the end, apology isn’t about proving your gender.
It’s about proving your humanity.